(Note: This location is closed, but there is another location and one potentially opening up in Phoenix. That being said, H.A.G. has changed its corporate model and the quality has declined. Burgers are cooked differently and the fries are no longer made to order. Sadly, I cannot give my recommendation based on the current business model and food preparation. — Seth)

When I turned 40 a couple of years ago, only a few days had passed before my primary care physician sent me a nice little reminder that now that I was over the hill it was time to do more tests and follow up on manly things. So, I went to the doctor’s office and had things checked and prodded and touched and squeezed and the like. You would have thought he could have at least given me flowers or candy first.

Anyway, since I am the big guy with the ravenous appetite, I got the lecture about my weight and diabetes and coronary disease and the like. I was so dejected by the lecture I immediately went to Waffle House to perk myself up.

Of course, Waffle House is a health food store compared to the place I had dinner at the other night. The Heart Attack Grill is not what the doctor ordered, and I know that either cardiologists will be filing lawsuits to close this place down or this place is owned by cardiologist in order to enhance business. In any event, I found myself in the midst of a restaurant who’s main goal is to make your heart come to a full stop.

I dragged Dave the Roommate along just so I could get his take on it. We hit the I-10 and headed toward Tucson, taking the Warner Road exit and, heading east, we crossed Kyrene Road and saw the little strip mall about half a block past the light. You could easily miss it as the mall is fairly dark at night. We did catch the Heart Attack Grill sign and pulled into the lot.

We parked and went in. My first thought was on how tiny this place is. It really is a small place in a small strip mall. The restaurant has one booth, two tables and then lots of seats along the kitchen area where the cooks makes your made-to-order burger. The interior is brightly lit and the menu hangs just over the grill. Dave and I grabbed the booth and settled in.

All of the female servers are dressed in nurses’ uniforms of various materials. Our first server (they all share serving duties) welcomed us and pointed out the menu.

The menu is very limited: three kinds of burgers, fries, cola, and/or beer. The photos, however, tell the true story. Each menu item has a full-color photo of what you are getting. There is nothing to hide here. The Single Bypass Burger ($7.00) is a half-pound patty on a fresh bun and on top of that is an egg, cheese, lots of bacon, lettuce, a beefsteak tomato slice, red onions, and, of course, secret sauce. The Double Bypass Burger ($9.00) is double everything (except the bun). The Triple Bypass Burger ($11.00) is a monster with triple everything.

The tailend of the menu had the Flatliner Fries ($3.00), a generous portion of steak fried cooked in pure lard (!) then topped with rich, brown gravy and dotted with mozzarella cubes. (Note: the sound you just heard was your arteries hardening.) You can also get them with guacamole. Then, for the drinks, you can get a soda ($2.00) or a beer ($3.00).

That was the menu. You can, of course, have your burger without the tomatoes or minus the secret sauce. I didn’t inquire about any cost for extra onions or tomatoes or bacon because I was still processing the Triple Bypass Burger in my mind.

Dave decided that a Single Bypass would be fine for him and got his rather plain: no tomato, no onion, no lettuce. I got the Single Bypass as well, with no tomato. Before we got to order our fries, our server informed us that they had run out of cheese for the fries and apologized profusely for the oversight. No biggie for me as fries with ketchup was fine. Dave, however, decided that his condiment would be the brown gravy.

I selected a Diet RC for my soda, while Dave went with a Dr. Pepper.

A few moments later our drinks arrived in traditional waxed paper cups. We laughed at all the signs and noticed that the Heart Attack Grill is rather serious about its business. This is not a place to come to drink. There are signs everywhere pointing out that there is a three beer maximum for each patron and if you don’t like it, get out and don’t come back (more on this later).

Within minutes, our burgers arrived. You could smell the fresh cooked beef the minute the burgers were at the table. Each burger was dressed just like the photo said, and was wrapped in a foil sleeve and served on a wooden carving board. Thank the powers that be I didn’t get the Double Bypass. The Single Bypass was huge, including the gigantic bun (which was exceptionally soft and fresh). It smelled wonderful and I knew Dave was having a blast as he had that knowing grin on his face.

I picked up my burger and took a bite. Then, I realized that my worst fears were confirmed: I was going to have to inform my cardiologist that I have a burger joint I will be visiting on many occasion. The burger was fantastic. The beef was cooked medium well and the Angus beef was very fresh. The lettuce and onions were cold and crisp and provided a great contrast to the hot beef and bacon. Speaking of which, the bacon was crisp, salty and delicious. The egg had been fried and placed on top and added a nice dimension to the burger. The cheese was overwhelmed by the other tastes. The sauce was, like all burger sauces, a cousin to Thousand Island Dressing, which was fine by me since I like that on my burger.

Dave was clearly enjoying his burger as well and noded vigorously when I asked if he would come back to the Heart Attack Grill again.

Next up were the fries. Another server brought out my plain fries first and set an empty, plastic cup next to my fries. She informed me that the cup was for ketchup in case I “dunked” them. The bowl of fries had about 3/4 pound of steak fries. I picked one up and set it back down quickly. The thing was smoking hot and needed to cool a few minutes.

Meanwhile, Dave got his Gravy Fries. Like mine, he had a big bowl of steak fries, but his were smothered in beef gravy. Looking at them really took me back to a few trips I made to Montreal in the 90s and when I had discovered poutine, a very Quebecois dish featuring fries, gravy and cheese curds.

I tried my fries and they were awesome. Crisp on the outside, soft on the inside, and salted with a course salt. They were also cooked in lard, so they automatically got bonus points. Dave really liked his fries as well and said the gravy was “really good.” However, due to the richness of it all, he said he would probably get them plain next time and have them with ketchup.

For the next 30 minutes, we worked on our burgers and fries and talked about how much we were enjoying them. They really were excellent. Everything was excellent, in fact. I was unable to finish my fries and some of my burger because I was absolutely stuffed. However, I was not unhappy about it.

I took a few photos of Dave as well and one of the servers came to the table asking why we were taking photos. Since we had finished our meal, gotten our check and were ready to leave, I explained my food blog to our server, who was certain amused at the whole thing, especially me taking a photo of a hamburger. She was also a laugh riot as she begged me to mention that she was the “hot Asian chick” who served us. To be fair, we had a good number of people take care of us, so I would rate the service as excellent, especially the “hot Asian chick” who served us.

Our bill total was $24.00. Heart Attack Grill prices on the menu automatically includes tax, so what you saw was what you paid. Dave and I considered the meal to be an exceptionally good value because of the size of the servings and the freshness of the ingredients.

One thing you will notice at the Heart Attack Grill is how much the company values its employees. The signage really focuses on the fact that the Heart Attack Grill is not a bar. I was a bit shocked at the large sign over the urinal in the men’s room that said very clearly that if you were there to drink and harass the servers, you were invited to never come back (I cleaned it up for family reading – it really was quite harsh). I also understand the reasoning. Any Tempe business that serves beer is potentially a college hangout in the making. But Heart Attack Grill does a good job of mipping that in the bud with its three-drink maximum policy and the fact it is only open until 8 PM each night.

Dave and I departed the Grill and sat in the car, both checking our pulses to make sure our hearts hadn’t stopped beating. It really was a great stop for a meal and we will gladly go back for a nice big burger, fries, and cola.

I am sure my cardiologist will be understanding.

Heart Attack Grill
440 West Warner Road
Tempe, AZ 85284
Dress: Casual / Medical Scrubs
Website: www.heartattackgrill.com (Check out the links to the Quadruple Bypass Burger and the St. Valentines Day Massacre.)

I would like to think that I am somewhat knowledgable of the world around me. I love reading about far away places and wishing that I could hop on a plane to see Ulan Bator or Iceland or visit the penguins in Antarctica. Alas, on my salary, Avondale is about as exotic as it gets sometimes.

However, in my quest to at least be knowledgable, I try to find cuisines from other parts of the world. As fate would have it, I stumbled across a Salvadorian restaurant not to far from my East Phoenix home. I would have missed it on any other day because of it isn’t in an area that I drive by with any regularity. But just above McDowell on 24th Street is Eliana’s Authentic Salvadorian Cuisine.

I had never even thought about the food of El Salvador. For me, El Salvador was a small Central American country that had political difficulties in the 80s. Other than that, I was rather ignorant of the people, the country, and the food.

I pulled into the parking lot (careful, it is quite narrow) and parked the car. I only noticed one other car and thought maybe I would have the place to myself. I entered and saw that there was parking on the far side of building as well and several families were enjoying their meals.

The interior of the place is bright and festive with lots of paintings, decorative touches from El Salvador and a radio playing soft music. The place is spotless and the booths are quite comfortable.

I was handed a menu by a server and she asked if I had ever been to Eliana’s before. I hadn’t, so she told me that Salvadorian food is rather mild. I asked her for a Limonada ($1.25) and some water. I reviewed the menu while I waited. The menu was very basic, focusing on “comfort food.” What I saw pleased me and I decided to get a couple of appetizers, but was having trouble deciding what to get as an entree.

The server returned with the Limonada and I asked for a few more minutes to make my choices. I was thrilled with the Limonada because it was excessively fresh. You could tell from the lemon juice that this was homemade and it was exceptional. A perfect way to start the meal.

I finally decided on what I wanted and ordered the Pasteles Salvadorenos de Carne ($3.00), a Salvadorian meat pie, along with the Pupusa ($2.00), which was a tortilla stuffed with cheese, pork, refried beans and bell pepper. For my entree, I went with the Carne Asada con “Chimal” ($8.95).

I sipped my Limonada and listed to the music. Only a moment or two had passed before my server returned with a nice treat.

Set in front of me was a small cup of Chicken Soup, a bowl of Salvadorian cole slaw, and a tomato “salsa.” I dove into the soup because it smelled so wonderful. The broth was rich and filled with chunks of carrot, potato and white meat chicken. Very, very tasty. The server refilled my Limonada and told me the cole slaw was to go on top of my Pupusa. The soup, it turns out, is served with every order. This was an unexpected and pleasant surprise.

I had just finished the last drop of my soup when my two appetizers arrived on a huge decorative plate. The Pupusa was surrounded by two half moons of the Pasteles. Both were piping hot. I spooned some of the cole slaw onto the Pupusa and then cut a bite with my fork. The cheese was thoroughly melted and, I could tell, thoroughly yummy. I took my first bite and loved the mix of flavors. You could taste them all, but the beans were the dominating flavor, and a very good one at that. The cole slaw was tangy and added a nice contrast of flavors.

The Pastlese were simple, unassuming meat pies, but also contained some finely diced potatoes for texture. They were mildly spiced and I very much enjoyed the “crunch” when I bit into them. I then tried them with some of the tomato salsa and really enjoyed the flavor mix. The salsa was acidic and fresh and just added a nice dimension to the meat pies. Both appetizers were a success.

It was time for another round of Limonada (yeah, it was that good, so much so that I didn’t miss my Diet Coke) before my entree arrived. My server wanted to make sure I had plenty of salsa and cole slaw.

She returned with my entree and the aroma had me salivating in seconds. I was a bit taken aback by the size of the platter and the amount of food on it. A large plate arrived with a sizeable piece of carne asada, topped with grilled onions and served with white rice, ranchero-style refried beans and a mini-salad. A small bowl of marinated, diced tomatoes accompanied the dish.

I cut into the carne asada and realized that this was very different from what you would get at a Sonoran-style Mexican restaurant. The meat was a cut of cube steak that had been tenderized, marinated in mild spices and then grilled. The meat was tender for cube steak and the flavor was subtle, but savory and smokey as well. The grilled onions were an excellent match due to their sweetness. The white rice was a nice change from “Spanish Rice” and the beans were tender, fragrant and had a nice bacon aftertaste to them. I also was given two of the thick tortillas and I loaded up a tortilla with a bit of everything on my plate before taking a bite. It was delicious.

I finished most of my plate, but wanted to save some room for dessert. I asked the server for a recommendation and was referred to the Banana Burrito. I asked if that was something authentic and she laughed and said she ate them a lot growing up. Fair enough. So I ordered it and waited.

It took a little longer than I anticipated to get my dessert. When it did arrive, a huge burrito with two scoops of ice cream greeted me. The Banana Burrito ($4.00) was approximately 10 inches long. A ripe banana had been rolled up into a flour tortilla and deep fried. When done cooking, it was sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon and then plated. I cut the burrito in half and the shell was crispy and the steam flew out of the interior. I waited for a few minutes to let it cool, all the while eating the ice cream.

The ice cream was French Vanilla and very good. The burrito was very tasty. The banana was hot inside and the tortilla was very crisp. My only complaint was that it had been cooked a bit too long and there was a bit of a burnt taste to the tortilla which made it bitter. Still, the burrito was a success and I ate everything on the dessert plate with the exception of half of a scoop of the ice cream and a bit of the overcooked tortilla.

I got my bill and the total was $20.75 including tax. I paid the bill and departed.

I did discover that Eliana’s is a family-run business and everyone pitches in to help. The family was engaging, but also rather soft-spoken. The service was top-notch and friendly.

When I left and got into my car, I thought about the meal and how I would describe it in its totality. Well, it is surely comfort food. Also, it is not someplace to go to see how much spicy heat you can tolerate in a dish.

I guess the best way to describe it would be to say that going to Eliana’s is like going to your grandmother’s house for Sunday dinner.

That is, if you had a Salvadorian grandmother.

Eliana’s Authentic Salvadorian Cuisine
1627 North 24th Street
Phoenix, AZ 85008
Dress: Casual
Notes: Just north of McDowell Road. Try the Limonada.

(Cue soft piano music.)

FADE IN

Announcer: In a semi-balmy evening in the 5th largest city in America, high atop his platform shoes, one man stands between the a desert city and bad food: Seth Chadwick, Restaurant Detective.

It was another Saturday in Phoenix and the sun was setting, as it usually does, in the West. I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad at the end of the day, knowing that my Saturday night was filled with nothing to do. Little did I know that things would take a drastic change for the worse. It all started when the phone rang.

(Phone rings.)

It was my roommate Dave, and he sounded out of sorts. “You need to help me, Seth. I am deseperate.” I could hear it in his voice.

“What is it?” I inquired.

“I need some excellent Thai food!”

I knew Dave meant business and I wasn’t about to let a friend down. Besides, he lives in my home and could break things if I failed him. So, I put his fears at ease and told him I would pick him up at 8 PM sharp. “All right,” Dave said. “Don’t fail me, Seth. I live in your home and can break things.”

I turned desperate myself as I scrambled to find an excellent Thai restaurant. In a city like Phoenix, where Taco Bell is considered by many to be El Grando Mexicano Foodo, I knew I had my work cut out for me. I scoured the Slighty Umber Pages looking for clues to a great Thai restaurant. I searched the files. I made a few phone calls. I even checked the Internets. I had just given up hope when the phone rang again.

(Phone rings.)

It was Madge. I worried this might not be good news. Madge was a force to be reckoned with and she could kill any human being with her faux mink stole. “Chadwick. I understand you are looking for some information,” she bellowed into the phone. I told her I was looking for a great Thai restaurant. I could hear her quietly sigh before she belted out, “Look for the full moon at 8:45. 51st Avenue and Thunderbird. Look for it, Chadwick, in the Northwest.” She hung up before I could inquire what her clues meant.

I knew Madge was a good soul. She had reformed from her life of crime as a woman insisting on taking 12 items through the 10-Items-Or-Less lane at Safeway. I knew she wouldn’t fail me.

I picked up Dave at 8 PM sharp, stopping for gasoline along the way. He had a worried look on his face. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I think I know where to take you for great Thai food.”

At 8:45, we arrived at the intersection of 51st Avenue and Thunderbird in Glendale. I took a guess and headed to the northwest corner, because I am a detective and that is what we do. We pulled into the strip mall and I looked to see if there was anything of interest. The mall was old and the asphalt had never been redone since they hid Hoffa’s body. But there, right in front of me, was Chanpen Thai Cuisine. Could this be what Madge was pointing me to? Yes, it had to be.

We parked and entered. There was only one other table occupied, and I knew from the looks of things that we were safe. “Don’t worry,” I said to Dave, “I know how to handle this.” We sat down and were handed menus as our server asked for our drink order. Since it was Saturday night, I threw caution to the wind and ordered a Diet Coke ($1.50)… with extra ice (free). We were immediately overwhelmed with a sense of giddy as we looked at the menu. Lots of good choices, I noted, and took out my Acme Detective Notebook to write our choices down.

We decided on two appetizers: the Thai Egg Rolls ($2.00) and the Chicken Sa-Tay ($6.95). For our entrees, we went with the Moo Deang ($7.50) and the Pad Krapoa ($7.50). We also decided to get the Pineapple Fried Rice ($7.50) with Chicken. I then noticed that Madge had indeed steered us to this place because “Chanpen” in Thai means “Full Moon.”

I took a survey of the interior, keeping an eye out for any signs of trouble from those often rowdy Glendale types. I noted the restaurant was clean and well kept. It was decorated with some Thai art and trinkets, and it was bright inside with lots of lighting and stark white paint on the walls. Only a few minutes passed before our Thai Egg Rolls arrived.

On a raised shallow dish, two piping hot egg rolls sat side by side with a bit of garnish and a handful of Shrimp Chips. A sweet, red, translucent sauce accompanied the dish for dipping. Dave and I each grabbed one and cut into it with our forks to release some of the heat. The wrappers were crisp and the vegetables inside were crisp, but thoroughly cooked. After a few moments, we dipped them into the sauce and took our first bite. They were quite good and I noticed the look on Dave’s face. It was the type of look that one would have when enjoying Cotton Candy at the Fair. The egg roll was a success, the sauce was a nice contrast, and I hoped that we were well on our way to a nice dinner.

Our server arrived with another raised shallow bowl, but this time we were given the Chicken Sa-Tay. Four skewers of grilled marinated chicken sat on top of the dish looking like lollipops waiting to be gobbled up. The server also set down a small dish of peanut sauce and a small dish of marinated cucumbers. We each grabbed a skewer, deskewered the meat and plunked it into the peanut sauce. I noticed the look on Dave’s face. It was the kind of look one would have if he won $20 on an Arizona Lottery scratch ticket. I tasted mine and was very happy.

The meat was moist, flavorful, but not stringy or overcooked. The flavor was smoky and the peanut sauce was some of the best I have had in a long time. This dish was a true success and I knew that Madge would appreciate how much we appreciated the appetizers. We cleared our palates with the cucumbers, which were sugary sweet, but had a kick at the end due to the jalepeno pepper resting on top.

“This is great,” Dave said. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew that things would not get broken tonight in my home.

We were just finishing out sa-tay when the first of our entrees arrived. A boat shaped dish was set before us and the scent of the Moo Deang drifted over us like fog in a dreary London street. Moo Deang was a dish of Thai-style BBQ pork, resting on a bed of cabbage and served with slices of cold cucumber.

The Pad Krapoa arrived next in the same boat-shaped dish as the Moo Deang. I really liked the shape of the dishes enough to wish I had a couple for the home. But to do that would require a diversion. A scene. A complete distraction with a brash and bawdy woman being the focus of attention. Where was Madge when I needed her?

The Pad Krapoa was a mixture of beef slices, sweet basil leaves, and Thai chili sauce stir-fried and served with fresh cabbage. The smell was incredible and I couldn’t wait for the rice to arrive so that we could dig in. Dave was all smiles and I couldn’t help notice that he was now rather subdued. It was the type of subdue-like look one would have if he had just discovered he made his last car payment.

The clock only moved its second hand slightly before the Pineapple Fried Rice arrived. It was served on a colorful fish-shaped dish. The white rice had been stir-fried with thin strips of chicken, pineapple chunks, a few aromatic vegetables and then topped with Cashews, parsley leaves and some cilantro.

Dave and I piled our plates with the three dishes and began to eat as though we were having our last meal while on Death Row. We tried the Moo Deang first. It was as lucious as the lips of your dream partner: full-bodied, slightly sweet, and yummy. Dave agreed that the BBQ pork was a winner and I could tell by the look on his face, as it was the kind of look one would have if they just discovered they had receive seven Chicken McNuggets in the cardboard box instead of six. The cucumber slices were fresh and clean and added a great taste to the pork. A big thumbs up on this dish.

Next, we attacked the Pad Krapoa. It was love at first bite. It was simply amazing. The salty beef combined with the sweet basil and the spicy kick from the chili were phenomenal. Dave took his first bite and his eyes slightly bugged out at the mixture of flavored. The look on his face was priceless. It was the kind of look one would have if … well, it was a look of satisfaction.

The only thing left to try was the Pineapple Fried Rice. Normally, this dish was served with chicken and shrimp, but Dave has never been fond of seafood ever since that unfortunate accident involving someone named Gerta, a pillbox hat, and a Red Lobster restaurant in Victorville, California. The rice was perfectly cooked and the pineapple gave a nice sweetness to the rice without being overwhelming. The cashews were an excellent touch as they provided a wonderful crunch and a little saltiness. This was quite grand and we both were pleased. Dave even made a yummy sound, which I noted in my Acme Detective Notebook.

We served ourselves seconds of each dish and then enjoyed the last morsels on our plates. We loved every bite, every flavor, every nuance that was on the table that evening. Dave had a very pleasant look on his face. You will have to trust me on that.

I would have thought that we were finished, but Dave had just one last bit of desperation in him and I knew that dessert would kill that desperation like a mongoose on a cobra. We asked the server for a menu for dessert, but she told us that they only had Coconut Ice Cream and Fried Bananas. I suspected she was holding back on me, trying to satiate my cravings for dessert with standard Thai desserts while secretly giving other items to her “favorite customers.” Then, I remembered that Stick Sweet Rice with Fresh Mango was out because mangos had been really terrible at the supermarket. So we went with one Coconut Ice Cream ($2.50) and one Fried Bananas ($2.50).

In a flash, the Coconut Ice Cream arrived from the kitchen. It was served in an small ice cream bowl resting on a plate with two spoons. I counted myself lucky as I knew Dave wouldn’t have any as he has never like coconut since an unfortunate incident involving someone named Sheldon, a pink feather boa, and a Trader Vic’s in Beverly Hills, California. I tried the frosty treat and savored it slowly. It was not the best coconut ice cream I have ever had, but it was very good and the toasted coconut on top was a nice addition.

I was a bit concerned as to why our Fried Bananas were taking so long, but was happy when they did arrive. I thought the hang up might have been because these were four pieces of banana freshly battered and then fried. They arrived fresh from the fryer and were served with a honey sauce. Like the egg rolls, we had to cut them open and wait for them to cool a bit. I tried the first bite and it was delicious. The bananas were not overly ripe and the batter was tempura-like. The dessert was light, but the flavors were excellent. Dave took a bite at well and was very pleased at the fritters. I topped my second bite with the honey sauce and it was very good as well, although the honey slightly overpowered the banana taste.

We finished our bananas and waited for our bill. As we waited for our bill, I excused myself to go to visit the facilities. As I approached said facilities, I was taken aback by what I saw. Painted on the men’s room door was the word “Amigos.” On the women’s door was the word “Amigas.” Was this code? Was this restaurant actually a front for a noted crime syndicate with ties to Mexico? My heart fluttered as I thought about the fame I could reap by bringing down one of the largest sources of organized crime in Phoenix.

Alas, it was just that Chanpen had taken over a space that once housed a Mexican food restaurant.

I returned to the table and I our bill arrived. The total including tax was $42.29. It was a stellar bargain for the amount of food we consumed. The kind of bargain that makes you worry you might end up for doing hard time for theft. Service at Chanpen was attentive and fast. Dave had no complaints and neither did I.

We left the restaurant and returned back to the office where Dave thanked me profusely. “Seth,” he said. “You did it. You found me a great Thai restaurant in the Phoenix area. I owe you one, buddy.” He shook my hand and opened the door to leave, turning just before he exited. “Oh!” he exclaimed. “I forgot to mention that I accidentally broke the vase in the living room. Good night.” He then left.

(Phone rings.)

I answered the phone hoping it would take my mind off the broken vase. It was Madge. “Chadwick! Did you like it?”

“I loved it, Madge. Thank you. You are one classy dame.”

“Thanks, Chadwick. But you owe me for this. Big time.” She slammed down the phone and I looked out the office window overlooking the beautiful brick wall which my window faced.

“I know, Madge. I know.”

Announcer: In a semi-balmy evening in the 5th largest city in America, high atop his platform shoes, one man stands between the a desert city and bad food: Seth Chadwick, Restaurant Detective.

FADE OUT

(Piano music fades.)

Chanpen Thai Cuisine
13828 North 51st Avenue (at Thunderbird)
Glendale, AZ 85306
Dress: Casual

It has been about 10 years since I was in London. I still vividly remember my trip, especially the battle that ensued over my accomodations at a Hilton near Hyde Park. Even before the trip, however, I remember something else quite vividly: people telling me to eat only ethnic food in London.

Most of this stemmed from the fact that Engish food has never been known as premier in terms of creativity or flavor. One person told me that British cooking only involves four ingredients: flour, suet, salt and sugar. So, I was told all about the curry houses and the Turkish restaurants and the like.

However, as I made my way through London, and with money getting tight, I turned to the pubs for food and ale. I remember the Shepherd’s Pie, the Bangers and Mash, the Chicken and Chestnut Pie and the Ploughman’s Lunch. During several cold November days, those lunch plates sure tasted good.

So, it was a fairly chilly weekend (by Phoenix standards) and I asked Dave the roommate if he would like to try out the Cornish Pasty Co. in Tempe. Dave is a big fan of British pub grub and had no problems accepting my invitation. So, we hopped into the car and drove to Tempe.

The Cornish Pasty Co. sits in a non-descript strip mall on the northeast corner of University & Hardy in Tempe, just down the road from ASU. The shop faces Hardy, and at first I missed it, but doubled back, pulled into the lot and parked.

Dave and I walked in and I was rather surprised at how dark the shop was inside. The lighting was low and the interior is predominately black in color. The place is also quite narrow, with a bar for ales on one side and tables for two against the other wall. (There are a couple of tables for four in the back.) Additionally, the place was piping in the classic rock station from the Sirius satellite network. The interior struck me as a bit to quirky for my tastes.

We took a table about half way back and waited a few minutes before our server arrived with water. We ordered drinks and reviewed the menu.

With the exception of salads and drinks, the menu contains a couple dozen Pasties (pronounced PASS-tees). Pasties are oven-baked pastry pockets containing a variety of ingredients from meat to vegetables and anything in between. There were so many options to choose, Dave and I took several minutes to decided.

It took our server a long time to return with our drinks, which was quite odd considering that there were only two tables occupied in the place. She placed our Lemonades on the table and took our orders. Dave opted for the Shepherd’s Pie Pasty ($5.50) and I decided that The Porky Pasty ($5.50) was calling my name. Dave and I also ordered side salads ($2.75 each), but Dave went for the Pesto dressing and I selected the Ranch.

As we waited, I watched the operation in action as the server went into a walk-in cooler, returned with two pasties on a baking sheet and placed them into a professional oven. She then began to prepare our salads.

When our salads arrived at the table, we each received a plate of fresh greens tossed with cucumber slices, sliced red onion and teardrop tomatoes. I tried my salad and it was excellent. The Ranch dressing was fresh and garlicky. The onions and tomatoes were both sweet and it make the salad a very nice first course. Dave really enjoyed the Pesto dressing on his salad. I had a taste of the dressing and like it very much.

We then fell into another round of the disappearing server and we had to ask for refills on our drinks and for the salad dishes to be cleared. While we did get refills, our salad plates were not cleared until our pasties arrived.

About 20 minutes had passed and our pasties did arrive. Each was wrapped in heavy butcher paper and sealed with an adhesive strip touting the Cornish Pasty Co.’s name. Accompanying our pasties were small plastic cups of Red Wine Gravy.

Dave and I tore into the heavy packages and the scent of the pastry hit me first. It was wonderful. You could smell the buttery nature of the pastry and I was excited to taste the inside. I cut mine in half because the pasty was huge and heavy. You do get a knife and fork, but I was going to enjoy this like a sandwich.

My Porky Pasty was the pastry pocket filled with ground pork, sage, onions, apple and potatoes. I took my first bite and my tongue got hit with the sage very quickly. The pork was tender and tasty as were the onions and pototes. The only complaint I had was that the apples seemed to get lost in the mix. My guess was that they used Golden Delicious apples instead of Granny Smith, which I think would have been a better choice.

I doused my pasty with the Red Wine Gravy and the pasty was heavenly. The gravy was a big hit with Dave and me and we wish we had ordered much more of it. Dave loved his Shepherd’s Pie Pasty as well, and said the pastry holding the meat and potatoes was perfect. Yes, it was. Browned on the outside, flaky, buttery, salty, and delicious. Dave stated that his filling was very good, but he wished they had used a bit less onion in the mix.

We had planned on having a dessert pasty, but when we finished our individual meals, Dave and I were stuffed. While we waited for our server to return, Dave and I talked about the meal. We enjoyed the food greatly, but felt the pasty fillings could be a bit more seasoned, which was a minor complaint. The gravy was a big winner as were two fillings.

The other thing we also liked was the fact that you can take the pasties home and cook them there. That was an option that would be great for people on the go.

For us, it would become a necessity because we fell back into the absent server. I motioned two her twice for our bill and she acknowledged me but then did nothing. What confused me about the situation was that there were four staff members working and only a couple of tables and it was taking 15-20 minutes to get our bill. Part of the problem was that three of the staff were creating pasties and were not helping with the clientel. After 20 minutes, I vocally asked the server to give us our bill. Truly, the service was abysmal and only made worse by the three cooks who entertained the customers by talking about their past drug use.

We finally did get our bill and paid. The total was $22.30 including tax. We thought the prices were fair and the food was delicious. Nevertheless, the service was truly awful.

Still, Dave and I would have no problems getting pasties from this restaurant again and even talked about the next “flavor” we would try. However, we would probably opt to take them home and bake them ourselves.

Considering my dislike of the dark interior and the bad service, that would be a much better choice.

Cornish Pasty Co.
960 West University
Suite 103
Tempe, AZ 85281
Dress: Casual
Website: www.cornishpastyco.com
Notes: Pasties can be taken home and baked.

I believe that I am cursed.

Oh, it isn’t an every day curse, mind you. However, it does happen from time to time and it takes place every time I say the incantation that causes lightning strikes and earth tremors before the curse falls from the sky and showers me with its evil.

The magic words that invoke the curse are: “I have a craving for something Mediterranean.”

With a few exceptions – possibly when I am holding a rabbit’s foot or I was just sprinkled with holy water – I find that after saying those words, my experience in getting a decent Mediterranean meal is abysmal. A couple of weeks ago, it was Cyprus Pita Grill.

The other day, it was the Opa! Grill. Now, I freely admit that I should not have had high hopes for great Greek food from a place in a strip mall anchored by a Safeway. Then again, Cyclo Vietnamese in Chandler is in a strip mall anchored by a drug store, so you never know.

I had seen Opa! Grill several times before on my ventures into the remodeled Safeway at 48th Street and Indian School in East Phoenix. It is sandwiched between a dry cleaner and a pizza eatery. It was a very busy day in the lot when I pulled in for lunch and I had a bit of trouble finding a parking place, but I finally get one.

I walked into Opa! and noticed that the place was very clean, but also very Spartan. About eight tables are available inside, along with two tables outside. Patrons walk to the back of the space, order at the counter and then take a seat. So, I did just that.

The menu on the marquee overhead at the counter was fairly complex with lots of choices. Most of them were “pita subs” which was your choice of fillings or they had standard Greek fare like souvlaki. I looked around and most of the other patrons were eating pita subs, so I decided to go with the flow.

I decided to start off with the Hummus ($4.25), which the order taker assured me was top notch and delicious. For the main course, I would try the Gyro Pita Sub with Fries ($5.65). I also ordered a Diet Coke ($1.25). I paid my bill ($12.05 total including tax) and looked for a table. There was only one available, right near the counter. I picked up the community newspaper and read it while waiting for my order.

Only moments passed before my hummus arrived. In a wax paper lined red plastic basket, a Styrofoam bowl of hummus sat next to a round of pita bread that had been quartered. The hummus was served as two scoops and topped with thick slices of tomato and cucumber, and a couple of olives for show. The pita bread was warm and, oddly, had been brushed on each side with vegetable oil. Not olive oil; vegetable oil.

I took a piece of pita bread and picked up some of the hummus with it. I popped it into my mouth and was thoroughly underwhelmed. Despite the report from the order taker, this hummus wasn’t even close to being top-notch on any level. The two scoops of hummus had the consistency of cement and were somewhat gritty in texture. There was no real flavor to it. There was also no olive oil drizzled on it.

The pita bread had the misfortune of being heated in a microwave oven because as soon as it cooled, my attempts to eat it mimicked eating beef jerky. About the only thing that stuck with me from the hummus was the vegetable oil from the pita bread that now coated my fingers.

Next up was the Gyro Pita Sandwich. It, too, came in a plastic basket. The sandwich lied flat, open-faced, but was in a parchment paper sleeve. A large mound of fries was in the same basket.

I picked up the sleeve to see what I was working with and couldn’t see how I could get the sandwich out without destroying it, so I simply tore open the sleeve. I have to admit that I was disappointed with what I saw. The gyro meat looked fine, but the meat was covered with slices of red onion and very thick tomato slices. The tzaziki sauce was in a small plastic cup off to the side. I didn’t want the tomatoes to dominate the sandwich, so I opted to pull them off. I poured on the sauce and then folded the whole thing over to pick it up.

As I did, I simply was beyond belief in what I saw. More of the vegetable oil (again, not olive oil) was draining out of the bottom of the sandwich. This wasn’t a few drops here and there. This was substantial. It quickly formed a sizable puddle in the bottom of the basket, pulling some of the tzaziki sauce with it. I decided to take a bite of the sandwich after the oil had drained.

I am sure my sigh was heard throughout East Phoenix at my first taste of the sandwich. “Terrible” doesn’t even begin to describe it. This was a waste. The pita bread had cooled during my wait for the Exxon Valdez sandwich to drain and had become shoe leather. The gyro meat had clearly been pre-sliced, stored and then reheated as it was oily on the outside, but dry on the inside. Someone in the kitchen had cooked up the gyro meat on the grill and used oil to prevent sticking. Inexcusable because part of what makes gyro meat so juicy and flavorful is that it rotates on a rotisserie unit and slices are cut fresh for each item made.

The red onions were pointless because they were not strong enough to enhance the taste of the meat, which is why gyros most often come with white or yellow onions. The tzaziki sauce was okay, but only because it cut through the oil. After four bites, I had had enough and simply abandoned the attempt to pretend the sandwich was decent.

There were at least the fries to console my growling stomach. However, the curse was still active and the fries turned out to be as bad as the sandwich. The problem was that the potatoes had not been thoroughly cooked and because of that, condensation had developed on the outside of the fries. They were room temperature and watery. Yuck.

I finished my drink and headed for the trash can to deposit the remains of my lunch. As I exited, the order taker bid me a good afternoon and told me to come back soon.

Um, no. Not until the Opa! Grill hires a decent cook or my curse is lifted.

My guess is the curse will be lifted first.

Opa! Grill
4730 East Indian School Road
Phoenix, AZ 85018
Dress: Casual
Notes: Parking can be scarce at lunchtime during the week.

I don’t get down to Tucson that often. When I do, I avoid certain conversations. The first is that I never mention Arizona State University and how superior it is to The University of Arizona. This sets off a firestorm, despite the fact that ASU is clearly the better school compared to that smaller tech school to the south in greater rural Arizona. Bringing these facts up will only invite trouble, so why mention them?

I simply refrain from getting into those fights or instigating them because they serve no purpose. (Go Devils!)

Now, the second conversation I avoid is the Great Carne Seca debate. This is where I can never win because I am not an expert on Carne Seca. For those of you who don’t know, Carne Seca is a very Tucsonian thing. It is beef that is cooked with seasonings, shredded and then allowed to dry out in the sun. It is then reconstituted and cooked with various other things or served as a filling to many Mexican mainstays like tacos or enchiladas or the like.

Saying that you like a particular place’s Carne Seca to someone who thinks otherwise may start a fist fight. So, I will simply say that I am not a connoisseur of Carne Seca, but I do love the stuff. This leads me to my stop at the El Minuto Cafe in downtown Tucson.

As fate would have it, I ended up in Tucson because Madge wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and see if he was 1) good enough for her and 2) wasn’t an ax murderer. The fact that his name was Boris immediately made me suspicious. However, we decided to take in the Arizona Desert Sonora Museum outside of Tucson and have lunch before hand.

We arrived at El Minuto just after noon on a Saturday and parked in the tiny lot next to the restaurant. We were a bit concerned about the parking because as we drove into Tucson, we saw that it was one of the “Gem Show” weekends and we knew the streets and the restaurants would be packed.

Luckily, we found a spot and stepped inside. There weren’t more than a few tables being used and we were seated in the main dining room which is decorated in Mexican designs. We reviewed the menu and decided that we wanted a Cheese Crisp ($7.00). Boris seemed very accommodating in agreeing to Madge’s demand that we have a Cheese Crisp. One point for Boris.

Chips arrived along with water and we were pleased to dive right into them. The chips were room temperature and, while crisp and tasty, should have been warm or hot. The hot sauce was served in a small bottle and a small dish accompanied. We let the pouring begin and feasted. The sauce was slightly thick, tomatoey and slightly sweet. A bit of spice kicked in on the aftertaste and it was quite good.

Our server appeared and took our drink order: two Diet Cokes ($1.50 each) and one Iced Tea ($1.50). Boris does not like Diet Coke. Minus one point for Boris. (Oh! Go Devils!)

He returned in a flash with our drinks and one of the bus staff returned with another bowl of chips. This time they were very warm and delicious. One point for El Minuto for the save. Our server returned and we placed our orders. One Cheese Crisp for the table. Madge chose the Carne Seca Chimichanga ($10.00) and had it served Enchilada Style ($2.00 add on). Boris had never had Carne Seca (-1 point) and played it safe with the Two Carne Seca Enchilada Plate with Rice and Beans ($9.00). I decided to just savor the Carne Seca itself and went with the Carne Seca Plate ($11.00) which came with Rice and Beans as well as tortillas.

We waited a few minutes while I peppered Boris with questions about his work and family and upbringing and which university in Arizona he thought was the best. Minus 1 point for being a coward and choosing Northern Arizona University.

Our Cheese Crisp arrived and we were pleased that it did. On a pedestal, a large cheese crisp was set before us. It was truly crisp and not a “Cheese Limp” that so many Mexican places serve. The cheese was gooey and fully melted and we dug in. We all agreed that the crisp was a huge hit (+1 for Boris since he said it first). It was truly a great cheese crisp, and I offer the following photo as proof:

Yum!

We polished off the crisp in no time and it was only a few minutes before our table was filled with the delightful aroma of Carne Seca.

First up, Madge tried her Carne Seca Chimichanga Enchilada Style. The thing was huge. Madge took her first bite and that smirk of enjoyment crossed her face. She said it was excellent. She noted how smokey the Carne Seca was and how fragrant the entire dish was. The enchilada sauce was decent, she noted, and said the flavors all worked well.

Boris was next up with his Carne Seca Enchiladas. He also was quite pleased. He loved the taste of the Carne Seca (+1 point) and also mentioned that he like the beans and rice. He seemed very happy and was quite busy finishing off the enchiladas as quickly as possible.

There was then a brief conversation between Madge and Boris about their meals where Boris audibly said, “Yes, dear.” (+5 bonus points, as “yes, dear” are the two most important words a man can ever know in a relationship with a woman, especially one like Madge.)

It was my turn to savor my meal and I did just that. I grabbed a bit of tortilla, filled it with the Carne Seca and took my first bite. Success! The Carne Seca was spot on. It was indeed smokey, meaty and the seasonings were perfect. Most of all, they had given it sufficient liquid to reconstitute and it was absolutely wonderful. The tortillas were hot and fresh. The beans were standard, but not bad. I noted that the rice was exceptionally fluffly and actually had some decent flavor to it. Unfortunately, most Mexican restaurants serve bland rice. This, however, was a nice treat. (Go Devils!)

I enjoyed every bite of my Carne Seca. Since I selected the place, I asked Madge and Boris if they would come back to El Minuto. They both nodded in agreement. It really was a great lunch.

Our total bill, including tax, was $48.10. Boris generously picked up the tab for which I gave him +2 bonus point. It would have been 4, but I deducted two because he was clearly trying to schmooze. I could have insisted we go Dutch, but I am no fool and always up for a good round of graft.

Service at El Minuto was okay. There were clearly some problems with the bus staff and our waiter kept having to remind the bus staff as to what their jobs were. However, our drinks were kept filled and our wait was minimal between courses.

We finished up and made our way outside and off to the Arizona Desert Sonoran Museum. It was evident that Madge likes Boris and Boris likes Madge. On the Seth Scorecard, I give Boris a passing grade. He isn’t an ax murderer and he knows how to say “yes, dear.” So I am sure things will bode well for them both.

Oh, one last thing: Go Devils!

El Minuto Cafe
354 South Main
Tucson, AZ 85701
Dress: Casual
Website: www.elminutocafe.com
Note: There is a sister location at 8 North Kolb Road in Tucson.

After a long day of slumming through the Arizona Desert Sonora Museum, Madge, Boris and I headed back to Phoenix. The quick 90 minute ride was uneventful and we reached our destination. We decided to regroup after a bit of freshening up and then head to dinner.

It was about 8:15 PM and we decided to try for some BBQ. We weren’t looking for the best in Arizona, just something competent. After searching a bit on the Internets, we found something promising called Lovejoy’s KansAZ City Bar-B-Q along Bell Road near 7th Street in North Phoenix. We loaded up in the car, hit the 51 and headed north.

We arrived shortly before 9 PM and pulled into the parking lot. Lovejoy’s is a stand-alone building in a strip mall. The building faces Bell Road and parking was plentiful. There were several cars in the lot and it was a Saturday night, so we knew the place wouldn’t be dead. We walked in and looked for someplace to sit.

A few tables were taken and we hunted for a booth. Our first choice was a tight squeeze. I know I am a pretty big guy, but the space was ridiculous. None of us could fit in the booth and we tried for a second one. It was only marginally better. We would have taken a table with chairs in the secondary dining room, but the place was a mess and hadn’t been bussed (or so we thought, but more on that later).

Our waitress gave us menus and took our drink order. We tried one more seating arrangement and settled for the last booth in the place near the entrance to the restrooms. Our waitress brought us our drinks: 2 Diet Cokes ($1.50 each) and an Iced Tea for Boris ($1.50). We surveyed the menus and the usual suspects were accounted for.

After some talk, we each decided to have the 3-Meat BBQ Dinner Platter ($13.95 each). With this option, you got a choice of three of the following items: Beef Ribs, Pork Ribs, Rib Tips, Beef Brisket, Pork, Ham, Chicken, Burnt Ends, Hot Links, and Sausage. You also got to choose two sides from: Cole Slaw, Potato Salad, BBQ Beans, Black Beans, Onion Rings or Fries. I ordered first and selected the Pork Ribs, Pork, and Burnt Ends with Cole Slaw and BBQ Beans. Madge chose the Beef Brisket, the Hot Links and the Sausage with Double Fries. Boris decided to go with the Pork, Beef Brisket and Ham. He had originally selected Chicken, but the restaurant was out. Boris also went with the Onion Rings and Black Beans.

We waited for a bit and chatted about our trip to Tucson. About 15 minutes passed and our meals arrived. My plate was sat down and I was immediately struck with how sloppy the presentation was.

Everything had been piled up next to each other and the drippings from the meats formed a puddle on my plate which made the accompanying roll a soggy mess. It was a disappointing impression that could have easily been prevented with some attention from the kitchen. Next up was Madge’s plate.

Madge’s dinner had a much better presentation than mine, but, again, the meats were all sort of piled up in the middle. The fries were substantial in volume and covered over half the plate. Next up was Boris.

Boris’ plate was like the others, but the onion rings looked pretty decent. The black beans, however, looked awful. I know this is a BBQ joint with the hokey faux gingham tableclothes, but that doesn’t excuse the lame presentations.

Our server left and then returned with my beans and slaw. The BBQ Beans looked tasty and the Cole Slaw looked very fresh. We were also given two bottles of BBQ sauce to adorn our meal. One was regular and one was spicy. We dressed our meals, got some extra napkins ready and got ready to inhale BBQ.

My first attack was the Burnt Ends. These were the ends of the brisket after cooking that were a bit too well done to be sliced and served. I enjoy debris meats and had no problem that they were well done. The taste was decent. The problem was the Burnt Ends had gone from Burnt to ice cold in seconds flat. You know temperature is a problem when the room temperature sauce actually warms your dish.

Next up was the sliced pork. This was a winner. Hot, tender, juicy and slathered in sauce, I was very pleased with the melt-in-your-mouth meat. Boris also chimed in that the pork was very good.

The last item on my plate were the Pork Ribs. They were meaty and cooked well. Again, temperature was a problem as they were cold and the meat was not as tender as it could have been. Sadly, these could have been a success if the kitchen paid a little attention to them.

I turned my attention to the cole slaw and it was decent. Cold, crisp and creamy, it was fresh and tasty. It wouldn’t win any awards, but it was competent. The BBQ Beans had a nice taste, but was another victim of the Snow Miser. Cold, cold, cold.

Boris was busy eating his meal when I asked for his take on the food. He did enjoy the pork and stated the ham was okay, but was not heated through. The arctic chill from my plate was clearly spreading fast over the table. He did say the Beef Brisket was okay as well, but wasn’t as good as it could have been. He said the onion rings and black beans were “institutional.”

Madge, unfortunately, seems to have gotten the short end of the deal because she had only marginal words to say about her meal. She agreed with Boris that the Beef Brisket was okay. However, she felt cheated by the Hot Links and Sausage. The shrugging of her shoulders and the “eh” that left her lips when I asked her about them was all I needed to know. She did say the fries were decent. Toward the end of the meal, I tried them and clearly they were meant to compliment my meal because they were completely cold.

The roll that was served with each of our meals was an afterthought and clearly from the Brown ‘n’ Serve collection from your local supermarket.

We decided to tempt fate and try some desserts. I am a peach cobbler fan, so I chose the Peach Cobbler a la Mode ($3.50). Madge isn’t a fan of peaches and chose the Blackberry Cobbler a la Mode ($3.50) instead. Boris thought he would mix up the choices and went for the Bread Pudding ($3.50). We only waited a few moments before they were brought to our table. Madge’s blackberry treat was set down first.

It actually looked pretty good. I was very happy at what I saw. Next up was my peach cobbler.

It looked pretty good as well and I was hopeful that we would leave with at least a small smile on our faces. Boris’ bread pudding was then set down on the table.

This looked great because the presentation was half-way decent with drizzles of caramel sauce all over the pudding and the plate. If only our entrees had been treated with this care.

I dove into my peach cobbler and it was good. I would have preferred a bit more warmth to the cobbler, but the pastry was flaky and good. The ice cream was standard, but the peach sauce made it taste great. The peaches were canned, but I have no qualms regarding that since you aren’t going to get fresh peaches in February in Arizona. I was happy, though. Madge also liked her cobbler, particularly the tartness of the berries being offset by the ice cream.

The big winner for dessert, however, was the bread pudding. Hot, flavorful, rich, and delicious. I was envious of Boris’ selection because it really stood out. (-1 point for Boris for having the best dessert.)

We finished up and waited for our bill. Service was decent, but nothing spectacular.

This next observation has weighed on my mind since we ate at Lovejoy’s. Madge and Boris said it was fair game for a review, but I fear coming across as cold as my dinner. However, I think people who are going to dinner have a right to know what to expect.

During our meal, we were a bit put off by the fact that we kept seeing kids running back and forth down the aisles of the restaurant. They would run into the bathrooms and then more kids would follow telling them to go back. This was repeated several times throughout our meal. They were joined by a small baby that was continually crying very loudly for over 45 minutes.

As it turned out, the kids running back and forth, along with the crying baby, were the children of the staff of Lovejoy’s. Since it was approaching 10 PM, I wasn’t surprised to hear the baby crying so loudly. What did surprise me was that the secondary dining room was not bussed because it was being used as a nursery/playroom for the children.

I will let everyone make their own judgements, but I will suggest that it probably is not good for business nor appropriate to have a dining room double as a playroom.

In any event, our bill was $61.48 which included tax. All in all, this was not a very good experience. It could have been a better experience if the kitchen had spent put more effort in making the temperature consistent and had a little creativity with the presentation. When bread pudding is the big standout, this isn’t a restaurant I will return to, even if the sliced BBQ pork was very good and the bread pudding excellent.

I only wish it had been better. Like the food, I was left feel cold by the entire experience.

Lovejoy’s KansAZ City Bar-B-Q
735 East Bell Road
Phoenix, AZ 85022
Dress: Casual

I have hit a comfortable rut as of late. I am involved in the same work battles. I am cruising along with my family and J. just fine and everything seems okay, if not boring at times.

This is why a phone call I recently received from Madge sort of caught me off guard. Now, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for Madge because she is just one of those rare, wonderful friends that you just relish, even when life is lobbing lemons at you. So, my ears perked up at the tone of Madge’s voice when she called.

Madge said she needed to see me. Had to see me. She said that I am the only person that could say the right things and calm her down. I could tell from the sound of her voice she was in a near state of panic. This couldn’t be good because I hadn’t heard much from Madge since our “check out Boris weekend.” I figured that she and Boris were hitting it off but good.

I got Madge calmed down enough to suggest that we meet for lunch. I know that one of Madge’s favorite comfort foods is Mexican cuisine, so I suggested we have lunch at Carolina’s. This would work out for both of us because Madge would get a shoulder to cry on and I would get to review a restaurant I had never been to before.

I picked Madge up and got her into the Sethmobile and headed to 12th Street and Mohave Street in Phoenix. I knew exactly where we were going because my grandmother lived many, many years on Mohave, just down the street from the original Food City.

As we approached the airport, Madge was filling me in on all the details of her distress. It was, indeed, an issue with Boris. I prepared to hear the worst. I was thinking he was already married or had important body parts missing or something horrible. Madge was quick to tell me that I was wrong. She stated in no uncertain terms that Boris had given her something that put her in a panic. I told her that no matter what, I would be there for her. She revealed to me that Boris had given her…

… a hickey.

Now, I know that this was tantamount to the end of the universe for Madge, but I couldn’t help myself from tweaking Madge a bit. She showed me the offending body mark and I told her that the curling iron defense was classic. I also said that at least she confirmed he wasn’t a vampire or Goth. I also told her that the mark should make her feel young again because I remember the last time I gave a hickey to anyone was when I was 13.

See? I know all the right things to say.

We slowly approached Carolina’s and we could see the sign lingering above the street. Our next issue was finding parking. Carolina’s is a very busy place and we ended up parking somewhat illegally but at least out of the flow of traffic. We noticed people parking on 12th Street, across the street from Carolina’s and just about anywhere else they could find room.

We walked into Carolina’s and I was, again, caught a bit off guard. What I never considered is that Carolina’s is a place where you place a quick order, grab a seat in a non-descript, fast-food like dining room and eat quickly and return to your routine.

We got in line with the other hungry Phoenicians and reviewed the menu that was posted above the ordering station. Madge was convinced that everyone in the place was zeroing in on her hickey. The menu was very comprehensive and what I noticed was how inexpensive the place was. Plate combos for under $6.00 really makes me happy.

By the time we got to the counter (about 5 minutes), we had decided on our order. Madge adores Chorizo and couldn’t keep herself from ordering it. She decided to have the Chorizo with Potatoes combo ($4.35) which included rice and beans. I went with my old standby and opted for the Beef Enchilada Combo Plate ($5.15) which featured a beef enchilada, a taco, a tostada, rice and beans. We also ordered two sodas ($1.25 each). With tax, our order was $12.21.

We grabbed our drink cups and headed to the fountain machine for Diet Cokes and to grab a table. The dining room is exceptionally spartan. The bare concrete floor is old, but clean and a dozen or so tables are situated throughout. We grabbed one of the few tables that didn’t have the seats bolted to the floor, which was much more comfortable than the booths or the other tables. We filled our cups and grabbed a few paper cups of hot sauce.

We waited for our number to be called and I talked to Madge about how her hickey was barely noticable and told her it could be covered with a bit of makeup. I also said she could say it was the formation of an age spot. Again, I know just the right things to say.

Our number was called and I got our order. As I approached the pick up area, I noticed how much take out business this place does. There were at least two dozen orders in bags waiting to be picked up. I got our tray and headed back to Madge. On said tray were two styrofoam food service trays with the three compartments and the self-locking lid. They were heavy.

Madge opened her Chorizo and Potatoes and inhaled deeply. I knew this would cheer her up. The chorizo was fried and piled on top of a nice serving of fried potatoes. Rice and beans were in the two smaller compartments and a large serving of lettuce sat next to the chorizo and spuds. A tortilla was rolled up and sat atop the rice.

I opened my container and found a handsome looking taco, loaded with lots of cheese and lettuce and a tostada sitting adjacent. Hiding below these two items were the rice and beans and the beef enchilada. Madge and I dove into our meals.

My taco was excellent. The shell was crisp and not greasy. The meat was nicely seasoned and a bit garlicky which was a great asset. Thankfully, the cooks at Carolina’s thoroughly dried the lettuce before using it as garnish. It was cold and crisp. The cheese was cold and plentiful as well. It was a outstanding taco.

The tostada was similar. The shell was great and what I likes most about it was that the tostada was not bogged down by the beans. There was a thin coating of refried beans across the top of the shell and then lettuce and cheese wrapped up the dish. It was crisp, light, and tasty. Carolina’s nailed it flawlessly.

The rice and beans were good. There was nothing super special about them, but I will note that the rice was fluffy and the beans smooth – attributes that make me pleased.

Last to try was the beef enchilada. This was very good. There were small chunks of beef in the tortilla instead of ground beef and that was a pleasant surprise. The sauce was tangy with a scant bit of heat to give it some punch. Another success story.

Madge clearly had forgotten about her body image issue as she chowed down on the chorizo and potatoes. “Fantastic,” she uttered when I requested some comments. She said the chorizo was some of the best she has had and the potatoes were a perfect suitor to the spicy meat. Like me, she said the rice and beans were good, but nothing stellar. Madge did, however, have one minor complaint and that was the amount of lettuce. It was equal to the amount of chorizo and potatoes. Madge said she would have liked to have more chorizo and potatoes and less rice, even if it meant upping the price a bit.

The major standout, however, was the tortilla. Carolina’s sign outside states they have the best tortillas in Phoenix. I think they may be right. The tortilla was fresh, hot, thin and light. It wasn’t overly doughy and had been perfectly cooked. I really enjoyed it and could only imagine how excellent a cheese crisp made with these tortillas would be. Heaven sent, to be sure.

The only disappointment I had was the hot sauce. It was clearly there for heat and the taste was fairly run of the mill. It wasn’t bad, but simply there. I would have preferred a thicker sauce and a bit more garlic or other herbs or even a salsa to go with it.

We finished our meals in about 10-15 minutes. As I said, the place is very busy with lots of traffic, so the table turnover rate is fierce and the dining room is not conducive for heart-to-heart talks about anything – hickeys or otherwise.

We got into the car and I suggested to Madge that we hit the outlet mall at Anthem to cheer her up a bit. She consented and we spent the day buying luggage and cologne and other goodies. It was nice to see Madge unwind from her distress.

I dropped Madge off at home and she thanked me for the chat. She said she may have been overreacting and gave me a hug and a kiss before stepping out of the car. She asked again if the hickey was minor.

“Madge,” I said, “It isn’t any bigger than a silver dollar.” I took Madge’s stunned silence that she appreciated my parting words.

See? I know all the right things to say.

Carolina’s Mexican Food
1202 East Mohave Street
Phoenix, AZ 85034
Dress: Casual
Notes: Closed Sundays. They have a second location at 2126 East Cactus Road in Phoenix.
Website: www.carolinasmex.com

It never ceases to amaze me how many people who have lived in Phoenix for years have never seen the Grand Canyon. I have even met some natives who are in their 30s and 40s who have only been as close as Flagstaff. This boggles my mind.

Now, I will admit that it is probably because of my great love for Arizona and how trips to Monument Valley, Montezuma’s Castle, the Red Rocks of Sedona and the Grand Canyon really refresh my spirit. So, I venture up to the Canyon every couple of years (with my first trip to the North Rim being this fall).

Since the Canyon is about 4 hours from Phoenix, I try to break up my trip and stay one night in Flagstaff. I like Flagstaff a lot. It is just a funky college town with a great downtown area and lots of interesting shops and coffeehouses. It also has a ton of hotels and motels to choose from along the famed Route 66.

I convinced my roommate Dave and my friend Neil to join me and we drove up this past Saturday. Leaving after lunch, we arrived in the late afternoon, checked into our hotel and walked around the city for a while until we decided to head to dinner. After some discussion, we opted to go for some good, hearty food that would ward off the chilly air and the fierce wind that was keeping our teeth chattering.

Strombolli’s seemed like it would fit the bill. It was located on the west side of Flagstaff, along Milton Road, across the street from Northern Arizona University (Go Jacks!). In what used to be a Pizza Hut, Strombolli’s had carved out a small, but busy restaurant. We walked in and put our name on the list. It was going to be about 15 minutes.

Dave and Neil waited in the foyer while I walked around outside enjoying the cold air because I knew by the end of March I would be complaining about how hot it was in Phoenix. About 10 minutes passed and we were called to our table which was right near the kitchen and the entry. The table was comfortable and the surroundings were nice. You could still see the Pizza Hut-esque design, but the addition of some wall art, a nice artistic fountain in the center and the open kitchen made this place its own.

We got our menus and ordered drinks. Dave got a Diet Pepsi ($1.65) while Neil and I went for the Iced Tea ($1.65 each). We reviewed the menus and I was impressed how extensive it was. Additionally, a full-page of daily specials was included in the menu as well. It would have been hard for anyone not to find something they would have liked.

First, we decided on the appetizer. Since it was three healthy, growing boys eating dinner, we decided to have the Sampler Platter ($7.95). For our entrees, I selected the “Tour of Italy” platter ($13.95). Neil went for the Chicken Parmesan ($11.45), which was his second choice since he, too, wanted to try the “Tour of Italy” but went with the Chicken Parmesan so we could have a good mix to review. (Neil is a sweet guy, but one more bad pun from him and I will not be held accountable for my actions!) Dave immediately latched onto one of the Calzones and decided to have the one with BBQ Chicken ($8.95). Each of our entrees came with a choice of salad and we all decided to have the house salad with the house dressing in the house bowl.

Neil and I also opted for a glass of wine to keep the winter chill at bay. I ordered the Chianti ($5.00) while Neil had the Coppola Rosso ($5.00)

In a matter of seconds, we had our drinks, our wine and a basket of bread on the table. The basket of bread reminded me of the pull-apart bread my grandmother used to make on occasion. I was hoping this would bring back memories. Alas, it was not to be. The bread wasn’t bad, but it was lacking something. It was rather heavy and didn’t have a butter taste nor a yeasty like flavor or even some spice to it. It could have been much better.

Our server brought our Sampler Platter to the table and we were all drooling within seconds. The large platter had plenty of choices including toasted ravioli, deep fried mozzarella sticks, pesto bread and fried zucchini. It was all centered around a small bowl of marinara sauce. I headed for the mozzarella sticks. They were very large, hot and smelled wonderful. I dipped one in the sauce and tried it. I liked it immediately. It was quite nice with a crispy breading and loads of flavor. The cheese was hot throughout, but not melting so much that it dribbled out of the breading.

Next up for me was the fried zucchini. It was okay, but nothing special. Dave and Neil zeroed in on the toasted ravioli and said they were very good. I gave my portion of that to Dave since standing between him and toasted ravioli is taking your life into your own hands. The pesto bread was excellent. A slice of Italian bread had been lightly toasted, covered with pesto sauce and a slice of mozzarella and topped with a tomato slice. It was flavorful, but the pesto was not overwhelming. Dave and Neil had the same reaction to all the items and we thought for $7.95, the platter was a great value and a success.

We had just finished the platter when our server brought us a bowl of salad. Since we all had the same thing, it came in a large bowl with tongs to serve yourself. The lettuce had been tossed with a house dressing and then croutons, red onion slices, sliced black olives, sliced roma tomatoes and pepperocinis were placed on top. This presentation was colorful and plentiful, but the amount of tomatoes and olives was overly large and we ended up pulling a lot of them off so they wouldn’t overwhelm the salad.

The plates were donned with the salad and we dug into them. The lettuce was crisp and fresh and the various items on top were also very good. The dressing was a tangy and slightly sweet vinegrette with a hint of red pepper. It was good and perfect for a house salad in an Italian restaurant. The best part was that the salad bowl was “bottomless” so we could have ordered more if we wished, but, in retrospect, we were glad we didn’t.

The salad plates were empty when our entrees arrived. Dave’s BBQ Chicken Calzone was set down first. My first thought was how homemade this looked. The dough wasn’t perfectly formed, but it was a huge calzone, sliced down the center and I could tell by the big smile on Dave’s face he was quite happy. He took a bite and made his yummy sound of approval. He said the dough was fresh and perfect. The BBQ sauce did not overwhelm the calzone and the chicken was tender and moist. He also liked the cilanto that was included in the calzone. I tried a taste and it was excellent. The dough was the standout for me and I knew I would have to return someday for my own calzone.

Neil had his plate of Chicken Parmesan set before him and he was anxious to try it. I was immediately put off by the fact that the linguini on the side had not been thoroughly drained and the water pulled some of the sauce with it and puddled onto Neil’s plate. Sadly, all to often, in a hurry to plate pasta, a little oversight like this can make a meal less than desirable. The Chicken Parmesan was served in a small ceramic boat. The breast was buried in the sauce and topped with mozzarella cheese.

Neil took a bite and said it was “decent.” That didn’t sound very satisfying and I asked Neil for a bite. Well, okay, it was decent, but the problem was that the breaded chicken had been covered and sitting in sauce, so the breading was degrading into a mushy bread-like substance with each passing minute. While I am no chef, I would think a better presentation would have been to put a ladle of sauce in the center of the plate, put the chicken in the middle of the sauce, lightly coat the chicken with some more sauce and put a slice of cheese over the whole thing and then bake. But with the chicken soaking in sauce, it was doomed to be only decent at best. Neil said the linguini was fine, but I was still put off by the water.

My Tour of Italy was a feast beyond compare. When it was put in front of me, I was taken aback by the amount of food on the plate. This wasn’t a Tour of Italy. This was a tour of every Italian district the world over. This could have easily fed two people. On the plate was a serving of Fettuchini Alfredo, some Chicken Marsala over linguini, and a big piece of Lasagna. On top of the Lasagna rested two pieces of Garlic Cheese Toast. The scent was intoxicating.

I tried the Alfredo first. Creamy, hot, buttery and smooth, this was exceptional. The sauce was not overly thick and really had a wonderful taste that wasn’t overpowering. Next up was the Chicken Marsala. In a word, amazing. The sauce was perfect, with a nice bit of marsala and a hint of nutmeg. The chicken was moist and tender and the button mushrooms were firm and added a nice texture. I then tried the lasagna and really liked it, although it was my least favorite part of the tour. It was a bit too dense for my taste and I felt it just didn’t fit in well with the other selections. On the other hand, the Garlic Cheese Toast was to die for. It was absolutely delicious. I gave Neil and Dave a slice to share and we debated ordering an order of it to accompany our meal. We opted not to since we were already feeling full and had barely dented our meals.

After we stuffed ourselves silly, we thought about dessert and then thought about not having dessert since we want to be able to walk to the car. All in all, the meal was a success. The big winners were the Garlic Cheese Toast and the Calzone. The less than stellar was the Chicken Parmesan. Still, we all did have a great time and like the restaurant and would return.

The total bill was $63.05 including tax. Service was efficient and friendly. We had no complaints about the service or the value of the bill.

We got back into the car and drove back to the hotel in the cold air looking forward to our trip the next morning to the Grand Canyon. Thankfully, the big Italian feast we had kept our bellies warm and our spirit high.

Now, if only I can convince Neil that puns are humorous… one time.

Strombolli’s
1435 South Milton
Flagtaff, AZ 86001
Dress: Casual
Notes: They will deliver if you are staying on the west side of town.

After having a wonderful meal at Strombolli’s the night before, we were anxious to get to the Grand Canyon for a day of hiking, sightseeing and picture taking. This was all dependent, of course, on a hearty breakfast that would satisfy us, keep the cold at bay and not pinch our wallets too much.

On the advice of a few people, we decided to go to Mike and Ronda’s The Place for Sunday breakfast. Oddly enough, two people told me to go to the one on Route 66 instead of the one on South Milton. They didn’t elaborate, but I was more than willing to follow their advice.

Dave, Neil and myself only had a quick five-minute drive from our hotel to the restaurant, which seemed forever as I had to listen to another round of Neil’s awful puns. It was located on the eastern edge of Route 66 before it simply becomes Route 89 and heads north to Page, AZ. The restaurant is in the middle of a strip mall, west of the big Flagstaff Mall. We parked and entered.

The dining room is enormous and very plain. Large and small tables filled the room. With the exception of some posters and Americana items on the walls, the place was really not heading for the interior design Hall of Fame. We were seated immediately and a server arrived to take our drink order. (Please note that prices are approximate.) I tried the Iced Tea ($1.50), Dave had a Diet Pepsi ($1.50) and Neil chose a cup of coffee ($1.50). Neil also ordered a large Orange Juice ($2.00).

The menu was fairly comprehensive and offered a lot of breakfast and lunch items. We saw a plate of Biscuits and Gravy go past and our eyes bugged out. The biscuits were huge, approximately 3″ in height. They looked wonderful. But we had so many options, we didn’t know what to try.

In the end, I ordered the Waffle Combo ($6.25), which included a Belgian waffle, two eggs, and bacon. Neil chose the Lumberjack Breakfast ($6.75) which included two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and pancakes. However, Neil didn’t see that the breakfast already had hash browns and ordered a side of them ($2.50). Dave is a chorizo freak and couldn’t help but to get the Chorizo and Eggs ($5.75) which came with a choice of toast, biscuits and gravy or pancakes. He chose the pancakes.

We got refills on our beverages and waited, watching gigantic plates of food pass. The place was crowded, but the service was efficient. Only one time did we have to ask for our drinks to be topped off.

Within 10 minutes our meals arrived and our growling stomachs growled even more when the scent of the food hit our noses.

Dave’s chorizo smelled heavenly and he was very happy. A large serving of fried chorizo was served alongside two eggs over medium and a side of hashbrowns. Dave was very happy with the browns as well citing their crispiness. I tried the chorizo and it was excellent. Smokey, spicy and savory. A clear winner for the man with the chorizo fetish. Dave said the pancakes were very good and “not institutional.” They held up well to butter and syrup and he was pleased.

Neil’s breakfast was equally as large as Dave’s and Neil seemed a little befuddled at the fact that he had two huge servings of hashbrowns to consume. (Ha! Where are your puns now?!) His eggs were scrambled and looked light and fluffly. The bacon was clearly thick sliced and the hash browns were making me hungry to dig into my own plates of food. Neil loved everything about his meal and was quite content with his choices, including the pancakes.

My meal arrived on two plates, but it all could have been placed on one large platter. However, I know that people get squeamish about syrup touching anything other than their waffles or pancakes, so I wasn’t surprised. Neil was more than happy to share his hashbrowns with me. The bacon was crisp and very good. It was indeed thick sliced and had a great smokey taste to it. My eggs were light and fluffly. The hashbrowns were excellent. These were cooked splendidly with a crunchy outside and soft, fully-cooked potatoes on the inside.

I had finished everything up before I dove into the waffle. This is always dangerous because a waffle can go from fantastic to disgusting in minutes. Who hasn’t been disappointed with a crispy waffle that has become a limp sponge? Luckily, the waffle was still crisp and I was pleased with the hints of cinnamon in the batter. It was very good and I was pleased with my options all the way around.

We weren’t able to finish everything on our plates. The portions were very large and we were stuffed by the time we headed to the cashier to pay our bill. The total was $28.00 and change including tax for a colossal Sunday breakfast. We had our bellies full and were ready for a day at the Grand Canyon. Thankfully, the meals stuck with us because we were still quite satisfied by lunch time and opted just for a small afternoon snack to tide us over until dinner.

Mike and Ronda’s was a big hit for us. Tasty food, large portions, decent service and low prices were just what we had ordered.

Except for Neil who would have ordered double.

Mike and Ronda’s The Place
3518 East Route 66
Suite 105
Flagstaff, AZ 86001
Dress: Casual
Notes: A second location is at 21 South Milton in Flagstaff, and a third location at 4925 West Bell Road in Glendale, AZ.